I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
