I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
me + whiskey = a bad person
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
