As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
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There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
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I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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