i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
