Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
