I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
