I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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