I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
