do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
