Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
