my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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