pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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