Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
