Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
