I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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