very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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