the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We left an ass print on the piano.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
