he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
