You're earring is so big in my mouth
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
