My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
