Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
