Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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