In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
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Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
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Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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