The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
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i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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