dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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