filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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