Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
