apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
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I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
MIDGETS
????
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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