My Higher Power is John Stamos
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
