I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
