You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
