omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
