moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
