Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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