i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
