I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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