Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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