white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
