You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
