ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
