Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Randomize
