Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
