I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
