Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
