maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
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