Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
