he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
