96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
