I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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