census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Randomize
