Well douche your snatch and let's go!
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
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I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
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I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.