And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
