i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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