mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
