You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
